Secret vs. Sacred: Changing Our Attitude about Sexual Intimacy

I still remember the lessons my Young Women leaders taught me when I was a teenager about the law of chastity. They would typically start with someone reading Doctrine and Covenants 121:45: “Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly.” Then someone would read the sexual purity section in the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. We’d have a discussion about what the word virtue meant, and then there’d be a long list of “don’ts”: don’t have sex before marriage, don’t lie on top of another person, don’t participate in any passionate kissing, necking, or petting (and I had no clue what necking or petting even were when I was 14 years old, and it was never explained), don’t think about someone else in a sexual way, etc. The only positive teaching about sexual intimacy would be something like, “It’s great, but after marriage.” Lesson over.
I felt that the subject wasn’t only something you didn’t talk about, but that it was awkward to talk about and thus must be weird or wrong to participate in. The cultural attitude was that sex is a subject you don’t want to teach about. It cast intimacy in an incorrect light and gave an insufficient message about how exceptional it can be within marriage, when sex is not only okay, but encouraged.
The main takeaway I received growing up was a list of “don’ts” from my lessons in church, as well as the perspective that sex is something bad and far from God. Because of this, I subconsciously built a wall in my mind against anything that could potentially cause me to sin. That same mental barrier often remains present for some, even after marriage, making one feel like they’re sinning when they should be enjoying that part of their marriage relationship. Fortunately, there are ways we can find to overcome such barriers.

Breaking Down the Mental Barrier
The law of chastity itself is a pure and true doctrine. Chastity is defined as, “not having any sexual relations before marriage [and] complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage.” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “[God] intends for sex to be a beautiful, powerful, and joyful part of our lives – not something evil or corrupt. Sex enables a husband and a wife to have children, express love, and strengthen their spiritual, emotional, and physical bonds. Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage, and when it is used in the way that God has commanded, it brings great blessings and joy.” An important truth I’ve come to learn through Elder Holland’s statement is that sexual intimacy is a means by which husband and wife can come closer together! It also helped me understand that it’s a gift from God to help us become like Him! These are truths I wish someone had mentioned to me earlier. Breaking down the mental barrier starts with obtaining an understanding of just how positive, wonderful, and divinely sanctioned sexual intimacy is.

Reframing How We Think of Secret vs. Sacred
Another reason we may hesitate to talk about sexual intimacy is because it’s sacred and may be something we feel should be kept a secret. However, the words sacred and secret are not synonymous. If something is sacred, it’s entitled to reverence and respect because it’s holy or divine. When I think of the things of God, I think of light (D&C 50:24). If something is secret, it’s hidden and kept from knowledge or view, which to me feels like it’s describing something I might be afraid to bring into the light. Sexual intimacy should be something we’re not ashamed to talk about, in fact it can be something good and wonderful that we should talk about. However, because of its sacred nature, sexual intimacy isn’t something we should talk casually about to just anyone (see Matthew 7:6).
To better understand the difference between sacred and secret and how we should treat the topic of sex, think about the ordinances we perform in the temple. Everything that goes on in the temple is sacred, however, much of the ordinances we can find in the scriptures. Before entering the temple, members should be properly instructed—in appropriate, Spirit-centered settings—so they can better understand the meaning of those sacred ordinances.
Breaking down our walls can happen even faster when we are able to gain a better understanding of what righteous sexual intimacy consists of. Just as we prepare for the ordinances in the temple before attending, we need to discuss sexual intimacy in appropriate settings to be better prepared for marriage. It’s not that we can’t talk about it, but it is how we talk about it that matters. We can do this by being open to asking questions and having conversations with close friends, family, or trusted leaders with the purpose of expanding our knowledge and perception of correct principles regarding intimacy. And as there are resources available to help us prepare for the temple, we can also find help and understanding from the scriptures, modern-day prophets, and other informational books so we can better prepare ourselves mentally and spiritually for sex within marriage. The more familiar we become with the subject and how much we have to look forward to after we’re married, the more those mental barriers we’ve built up will begin to fall.

Changing Our Perspective
One of the great purposes of life is for our spirits to learn to work together with our bodies in following God’s commandments. While it’s difficult to change an entire culture immediately, it can be simple to change our individual perspectives. Sexual intimacy is God-given and something we are biologically built for. Because God placed these desires and abilities within us, they shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. It’s important to properly educate ourselves and others in how we teach and talk about the law of chastity. Proper learning is going to be different for every person based on opportunities and circumstances, however, with God’s guidance, we can come to understand that it’s something right and divinely approved. We can treat it as the beautiful thing it is and in that way, be ready, and feel ready for sexual intimacy in marriage.
If your experience learning about sexual intimacy and the law of chastity was anything like mine, know this: sex isn’t bad. Just the opposite. Heavenly Father has given us guidelines regarding sexual intimacy because He loves us and wants us to experience the greatest joy and happiness possible when we participate in intimacy after we’re married. When we are able to stop thinking about sexual intimacy as a list of “don’ts” and start thinking about it as a beautiful, sacred list of “dos,” we can be ready to experience healthy sexual intimacy the way God intended us to.